On Aging and Aliens

     
     I waste a lot of time on Facebook playing Castleville. In fact, just this week I spent an entire lifetime playing this one game; time better spent reading, writing, cleaning my house (which is disgusting) or *ahem* exercising. Anyone familiar with Facebook is well-acquainted with the advertising that runs along the right side of the screen. One ad that invariably lurks beside my game is from Realage.com. This is what they have to say: “Prepare to be shocked. Your body may be older than you think.” Easily obsessed, this gave me something on which to fixate for a while.

    What if the opposite were true? What about people who look much younger than their chronological age? What about Dick Clark, (May he rest in peace) or Iman? It just so happens that I am related to a few of these folks. There are members of my immediate and slightly extended family who never seem to age. My father, for instance, and his sister – my aunt – have always looked at least ten years younger than they are. Thinking about it, my grandmother, some of her sisters and her brother looked dewy-fresh for a long time as well. So what gives? Is there some kind of closely guarded family secret that is passed down only to a select few? Do they bathe in vats of Oil of Olay? Is the sacrificing of goats or chickens involved?

     

     As I was pondering this mystery, I recalled a conversation I had with this same aunt over dinner just the other day. She told me that she has been reading this blog (Hi Auntie!), and whatever my aversion to exercise, I should remember that it’s important for both physical and mental well-being. She made that point several times. I did not go home without that thought lodged firmly in my brain. My aunt enjoys exercise. My dad is a big proponent of exercise; he has run or rollerbladed, or gone to the gym or whatever for years. My sister is a yoga queen who does some hula hooping on the side. If I tried to hula hoop I’d get stuck and end up looking as though I was wearing a colorfully bright and sparkly belt I stole from a clown’s closet. My grandmother was always busy doing something active. She bowled in a retired teachers’ league – held her bowling ball straight up over her head. I was always afraid she was going to drop it and render herself unconscious. I also remember going to a line dancing class with her long after she’d retired. I could probably still manage to do The Alley Cat if pressed.

     Then there’s longevity. Think about Jack Lalanne. He was the original television exercise guru, and was swimming around some harbor or other dragging tugboats with his teeth well into his eighties. My husband’s grandmother and grandfather lived to be 96 and 102 respectively. Grampy had a sister who lived to be 103, although they did have a brother who passed away several decades earlier. Grammie and Grampy were active folk who lived in their own home for over seventy years. Every Saturday night for seventy some odd years, they had hamburgers and baked beans for supper. After the meal, every Saturday night for seventy some odd years, Grampy would take a slice of white bread, soak up the hamburger grease in the pan, salt it, eat it, and enjoy it. This did not harm him in the least. He seemed impervious to heart disease or other ailments. 

     

     Maybe there is such a thing as a youth-preserving gene. Perhaps it runs in families like red hair or twins. Possibly it’s some kind of chromosome that lies dormant, and like an allergy needs an outside stimulant to trigger its activation. Let’s suppose that, as some believe, life on Earth was started by extraterrestrials. Wouldn’t it then make sense that some vestige of that DNA would linger somewhere? 

    

     My theory is that exercise activates this age-defying gene in people who possess an Alien chromosome. Yes. Alien DNA is at work here. Scientologists believe that the human is an immortal alien trapped on Earth in a physical body (Thetan). Maybe Scientologists are not as crazy as they seem. Ignore all their nonsense about ethics over morals (The ‘me over the we’ – which may explain why Scientology’s so popular in Hollywood) and a lot of other gobbledy gook and focus on what they refer to as “purification rundown” or detoxification, which is an emphasis on saunas, exercise, vitamins and light jogging (Yes. Specifically “light jogging”. I don’t know why – more research, which I do not plan to do, is required.) 

     Kate, you may ask, if that trait runs in your family, why not strap on your running shoes, sally forth and release the fountain of youth? I’ll tell you why not: Because I think that only those family members with an affinity for exercise in the first place have inherited the gene. Only those who bemoan the absence of activity receive the anti-aging benefit at the onset of renewed motion. I imagine it’s a recessive gene, and I seem to have inherited a boatload of dominant features: brown hair, brown eyes, nearsightedness, heavy eyebrows, broad shoulders… The alien anti-aging exercise affinity gene likely isn’t dominant, or more people would be born with it, see? 

     It is true that exercise can help the average person achieve a certain level of fitness, perhaps elevate his or her mood, maybe even put a bloom in their cheek. But exercise cannot help just anyone become almost ageless like my dad, my aunt, or William Shatner (he’s 80!). They have a little something you can’t get at the gym. Just ask a Scientologist.