Siren Song

"Welly, well, well, if it isn’t Fatman & his tubby little sidekick, Boy Blubber. Yet again, you are under my control. You know, your inability to avoid temptation really doesn’t provide me with much of a challenge, Fatman. Forgive me for saying so, but you’re not a very effective superhero."

"Holy guacamole, Fatman! It’s Betsy Crocker, Betty’s evil twin! And I prefer “pleasantly plump” to "tubby", thank you.

"So Betsy, you have discovered my weakness: savory snacks, good cheese, and baked desserts – nothing too sweet, and preferably with a flaky pastry. That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about my career choice, by the way. Ooh! Are those Kalamata olives?"

"You are so naïve, Fatman! When will you learn that you if cannot save yourself from the siren song of cocktail parties and cookouts with their endless procession of hors d’oevres, snacks and desserts, that you will never save anyone else? You are what you eat, you know. And not for nothing, but have you ever tried working out?"

"One day, Betsy. One day I will prevail and this town will be bothered by your excess fat and calories no more!"

"Oh, Fatman. It’s so amusing when your double chin jiggles like that!"

"Uh, Fatman?"

"Yes, Boy Blubber?"

"We’re out of crackers for the crab dip."

"Shut up, Boy Blubber."

Memorial Day picnic, Baby Shower, Fundraiser, Graduation, End of Year school picnic, Going Away party, Father’s Day gathering

     That is a partial list of events we have attended since May. This doesn’t include dinner with friends or relatives, or dinner out as a family. All of these events are festive occasions. Festive occasions call for festive food. Festive food is food not served at your everyday meal. Festive food is finger food, fattening food, wonderful food offered by people wearing bow ties and wielding little trays. Festive food is desserts. Desserts are tartlets, cookies, pies, and cakes with whipped cream icing; desserts are brownies, cream puffs, and beautiful cupcakes on adorable little tiered cupcake servers. Festive food is tempting, taunting, tortuous, and oh, so delicious.

     Little wonder I’ve made scant progress on my quest. I’m pleased I haven’t been heading in the wrong direction, but still… Five weeks in and not a whole lot to show for it. Coming in direct contact with so much temptation on what is sometimes a daily basis is, for me, just brutal. I’ve tried visualization. You know, where you’re supposed to picture the situation in your mind and imagine what you’ll do when the time comes so you’ll be prepared. Somehow that never seems to work. There are people who advise, “Just say no!” Well that’s the problem, isn’t it; the inability to stay away from food I enjoy. To be fair, I have turned away bow-tied, tray-wielding food pushers several times, and have even managed to avoid the dessert table once or twice. Clearly, though, I haven’t been able to stand my ground often enough.

     I have friends who seem to have wills of iron. They too, are “effecting lifestyle changes” and seem able to avoid party pitfalls with relative ease, whereas I am drawn to the buffet line like the clichéd moth to the flame. I admire and detest them (My friends, not the moths. Although I'm not wild about moths, either.)

     Interestingly, this is what my horoscope said today (fact):

Life may force you to confront your ambitions. There are some areas of your life that need complete transformation, but all you see is the shovel and the dirt.Keep your mind focused on the end results.

Apropos, yes? It may be time to seek outside assistance. Which, I suppose, could come in the form of counseling, Weight Watchers, jaw wiring or divine intervention. I’m not sure. I believe a little research is in order. I have beefed up the exercise for those of you who are thinking, “just get up off your arse already, you lazy cow.” I am trying something (Not Zumba. I’m too chicken to go there yet) and I’ll see how it goes. Because yes, the bottom line is eat less, exercise more. It seems like it should be easy. And it is. Until I encounter a strawberry rhubarb pie. Oh, or some nice coconut shrimp. Or a really good crab dip...