The Definition of Insanity

     Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Hmmm...)

     I had thought that by sharing the inner workings of my head – weird and frightening as they may be – I would stay the course and attain my modest fitness goals. I am in very poor shape. By my birthday in January I was hoping to be more like meh to middling, and by my 50^th birthday the following January, I was shooting for respectable. You know, somewhere in a healthy weight range, and possibly even able to run a whole mile without needing CPR. It does not appear to be working.

     Warning: I am about to launch into a pity party. I had invited readers to join me on a journey that would involve a lot of whining and complaining – kvetching, if you will. However, what I’ve got going on now is a full-scale, why do I bother, someone please shoot me, pity party. I know having to listen (or read) this kind of nonsense is a lot like being invited to a Plastic-ware party by the neighbor down the street you only ever see when their dog gets loose or they're out raking leaves. You really don’t want to go, but you want to be a good neighbor and you want them to keep their dog out of your yard. So you order a lettuce crisper ahead of time and sincerely hope that the party is a success and the hostess' canapés don’t go to waste. I get it, and certainly wouldn't blame you if you log off now. 

     Seriously though, I have reached a level of frustration where this whole project seems pointless. I have fallen into familiar self-defeating behaviors although I’ve still expected to lose weight and gain some measure of fitness – by magic, I guess.  I have just gotten so tired of beating my head against a brick wall, that it hardly seems worth the effort.

     I had been going along, doing what I need to do (since my last whiny entry). I had been working out regularly, watching portion sizes, logging intake & exercise, etc. I followed all my own know-it-all advice, but made virtually no progress. For weeks on end, it seemed I was losing something like .0000025 lbs. per week (which can most likely be attributed to hair loss, nail clipping or lack of humidity); discouraging, to say the very least.

     In my exasperation, I become rationally irrational and find excuses for all kinds of poor choices. ‘Nope. Can’t go to the gym today. I have a hangnail. Besides, I need to check out the Plastic-ware website’. Flavonoids contain anti-oxidants important to overall health, calcium prevents osteoporosis, and some vitamins are only fat soluble, so yes, I’ll have some Flavonoid-rich Rocky Road ice cream with a side of bacon, please. An apple a day is good for you and oatmeal can lower cholesterol, ipso facto, apple crisp the perfect breakfast food. You get the idea. After a couple of days of wallowing, I remember that exercise is like flossing – don’t do it every day and you get unsightly build up. Some flavonoids evidently cause weight gain. Who knew? And I once again struggle to get back into a healthful routine.

     I have been inching along like that: This sucks. I hate myself. Let’s go! This isn’t working. I hate myself. You can do it! Jeez, I’ve gained a pound. I hate myself. You lost 1/8 of a pound! Yay! It’s dizzying. At any rate, at one point in the last two months, I got thiiiiiis close to 20 lbs. lost, but then I ruined it. Loss stands at around 18 lbs. I think. Another thing I do when I’m upset: pretend the scale does not exist (uh, honey? What’s this lump under the bath mat?)

     I’m not sure where I go next. I notice that most of my last entries are about refocusing, getting back on the wagon, blah, blah, blah. It’s fairly obvious that I feel sorry for myself a lot and that I am finding it really difficult to break bad habits and form better, healthier ones. So according to  old  Dr. Einstein, I am, by definition,  insane.

A patient walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, it hurts when I do this” and proceeds to wave his arm up and down. The doctor replies, “Well, then don’t do that anymore.”

     Doc, it hurts when I do this, can you make it stop? I really wish some Plastic-ware manufacturer sold something like a Fat Trapper Sealer. It's amazing! It can perform liposuction and keeps lettuce crisp for a month!  If I could purchase such a thing, I’d happily attend one of those parties. Boy Howdy, I’d even host one!