Déjà vu all over again.

     Did you ever run into someone who hasn’t seen you for a couple of months and they’ll say, “Wow, it’s been a while! You look… good. How’s everything been?” You know you could pass for a manatee, but you’re also aware they are trying not to hurt your feelings so you smile, say thanks, and move on with the conversation. It’s not what they’ve said, it’s how they’ve said it. That ever so slight pause they take as their brain frantically tries to retrieve an adjective that’s pleasantly neutral on one hand and the complete opposite of what they’re really thinking on the other. (Little white lies: social lubricant or unnecessary deception? Discuss.) I have found myself on the sad end of this conversation a couple of times recently.     

     You may remember the voices in my head I wrote about ages ago – the ones who thought this whole blog thing was a bad idea. They appear to have been correct in their assertion that I wouldn’t exactly be a phenomenal success at the ‘hey, let’s diet in public’ thing. I don’t think they were accurate in that I feel humiliated, but they weren’t too far off the mark when they insisted that this project could be a huge mistake.

     At any rate, I am pretty much back at the beginning. Or, as Yogi Berra would say, it’s déjà vu all over again. I saw my doctor a couple of months ago. While there I learned that I had gained in the neighborhood of five lbs. and my blood pressure was back in the ‘this is not ok’ zone. Dr. Ward says, “Missus Hess. You heff gained some veight, und your blood pressure is up. Loose* at least fyfe pounds or we must put you on medication. Okee dokie. Five lbs. it is, then. There is one teensy problem. Well there are five, actually. Five pounds which I managed to add since I saw der Doktor! WRONG DIRECTION! ABORT, ABORT! REVERSE COURSE! *Yes, I know the word is ‘lose’, not ‘loose’. But I’m going for the German accent here. Work with me.

     Oh, Kate, Kate, Kate. How did that happen? It’s pretty simple. Mucho food + nada exercise = persona muy grande. I’d really like to be able to blame the weight gain on that chain email I didn’t forward last fall (Make a wish and forward this email to 700 people in the next 15 seconds. If you do, you’ll get your wish. If you don’t, the opposite will occur. Jeez. Why didn’t I just wish to lose $100M?), but I know it’s all my own doing.

     Now what? Well, a friend gave me a pedometer for my birthday (It’s ok. I wanted one). I’ve been using it more or less regularly to measure my activity level. I was surprised to discover that I’m not covering nearly as much ground as I thought. I average between 8,500 and 10,000 steps a day provided I walk the dog twice and then add another walk at some point. 10,000 (approx. 5mi.) is considered to be the magic number for weight loss, unless you’re me, in which case 10,000 doesn’t cut it. I have found that I must – absolutely positively without a doubt must – add gym time to make the scale budge at all. Yeah, I’m totally stoked about that, as you have probably guessed.

     I started an exercise program last summer that seemed to work ok for me, but I haven’t seen any results lately. Then again, I haven’t been exercising. Funny how that works. This morning I hauled my sorry butt down to the gym and realized that I couldn’t just pick up where I left off. I have to start the whole damn thing over again. I feel like I just landed on the big slide in a game of Chutes and Ladders.

     I am tired of looking like the Michelin man in drag, so back to the beginning I go. Wish me luck.